I cant beleive she just flat out told me what she did today.... well, i guess its cool, i agreed not to say anything about what i feel or whatever, and I tried holding back so much, and not getting upset cause i didnt wanna ruin this at all, i didnt want her to run off again.. but gosh.. i dunno, I mean, i still love her, and for her to just be like "yeah, i have this crush on this one guy..he's very cute.." and so on..and that he's also a reason why she wants to stay and work there.. it all just turned my stomach....and I guess also, kinda the way she said that  he's the first guy to ever make her feel like she's worth talking to, and she's beautiful, I mean, she is.. she totally is, and the whole time I was with her, I strived to make her feel that and realize that.. i guess this made it seem like everything i ever did for her in that sense.. meant nothing, it didnt count... i dunno... She told me all of this cause I'm her friend, and as a friend i do care, i do wanna see her happy, but it still kills me though. I tried holding it back today.. but i couldnt, i was upset n sad all day at work, couldnt really concentrate at all.. all that ran through my mind were just immages of this guy hitting on her over and over and over, and her buying into it, and hitting on him back, and just imagining her thinking about him all the time, fantasizing.. visa versa.. ugh....

It was also very very disapointing too, cause i dunno why, the whole time i thought.... i dunno why i though this.. but...huh..i thought she still mightve liked me somehow.. the reason why, was the things she said, way she was acting n stuff, things she usually does when she likes someone.. and 99% of the time it was me....so...i dunno why i thought it was me this time, so i was,  happy i guess, but not wanting to start anything, just.. felt nice that things were ok.... heh, i felt liked... i felt.. happy, first time in a long time...but it was a real let down when i heard from her that it wasnt me AT ALL she was thinking about and liking, it was him... him, him him.. blah.....

Forget it.. whatever, I gotta get used to this I guess... but.. oh well.. let her dream of him if she wants to.

Yet another big blow to my heart..this time it really hurt, but oh well, she's still my friend, always... I guess the more time passes by, the more she'll forget  what she means to me. But.. if that's what makes her happy, then.. I guess i cant complain.

Im tired.. i need some rest...Im out.

Man, i was pretty sad last night lol, but dont worry guys.. just ventin' Got a lot of things to do today, feelin good! =) Plus its pay day, so yeah, great shtuff.  God bless peeps. take care!

Danny

Well, Just so you guys know I just use this as a place to vent... dont think my life is nothing but a depression.. but whatever you guys wanna think go right ahead.. doesnt make much of a difference anyways.

    Im just sooo freekin tired of my "friends" lookin' down on me, namely in a spiritual way.. I struggle with a lot, and I do mean a lot, sooooo much more I dont wanna talk about it to most, I just keep it all to myself. i keep it all hidden. Mostly I struggle with always trying, failing, and trying again.. but to many it seems like that's not good enough, and I sooo get judged right away as someone who doenst have foundation in Christ.. who needs constant preaching and judgment by people.. that's cool, i know my friends care about me and want to make sure that I'm always in the word, and want to know how my walk is and everything... but they always do it in a way like if they were looking down on me thinking that their walk is sooo perfect and great, which could be true, they have a steady solid foundation in the Lord.. but the thing is that their life is so peaceful as well, i kno that!!! I know these people so well, they have it made for them... so I guess they wonder why my life seems so down most of the time.. God I dunno why is pretty much letting me go on my own.. Im not abandoned.. just.. on my own.. why? I have no idea. .but its the hardest thing ever.. when you call on Him, He doesnt answer, when You beg and cry for Him, He doesnt reach out His hand.. He catches me when i fall, He provides.. He is my God, my Father.. but why do I feel like He's sooo angry and upset at me? Why do I feel like I dont deserve to be held in His arms? IM going through an extreemly tough time right now and I guess God is toughening my up for something.. I dunno..but everything is littearlly killing me.. everywhere I go, everything I do it seems like its never good enough, im never good enough, I never meausre up.. seems like my life is a complete repetitive failure in everything... I feel there's not much to live for... I dont want to be here, mainly because I keep on failing Him and i'm tired of always going back on my word and breaking my promise to Love Him.. what kind of a child am I?  a horrible one at that... everything i looked forward to in this life, has walked out on me.. but theres so much conflict going through  my heart right now about many things.. I just dont know.. I jUST dont know..

I dont want sympathy.. i dont want attention.. i just want God's mercy..

Man, I'm a mess.... I dont think ive cried and hurt this much even when my Grandpa died.... Its a very nasty feeling of just... I dont know.. but its hurting so much that I'm starting to feel it physically.... I could be working, then all of the sudden, I start to breathe too hard.. my heart starts pumping strongly.. my stomach churns.. I feel this strong pain in my chest.. Then it gets so bad, I just break down crying.. and the more I cry.. the more bitter it feels, and the more it makes me want to cry... so until I slap myself to get a grip.. its a non ending cycle..

You guys can go ahead and think what you want.. weather its that I'm too dependent on her.. no... or weather I'm not trusting God.. that's not it..

Its guilt.. remorse.. I guess.. my unpardonable sin that I have commited.. which I cant seem to forgive myself... the hurt that I have caused.. I'll never get over it until I know she's ok with me to the point where we might be able to at least talk a little bit.. This feeling that deep down in her heart she wished she never met me.. she wishes that I wouldve never entered her life in the first place.... I feel more rejected than even a stranger that she would blow off.. cause even a stranger would get a hi from her.. So far I guess for me beeing able to see her smile.. at least once more is like a far off dream... If I could only be a stranger.. if I could simply be invisible..... just to see her smile... What would I give....what would I give....

True love has been taken for granted and thrown away... true love has been crumpled and stepped on... ignored.. forgotten.

Oh God forgive me.. this love has taken my breath away... and left me alone..

Dear God... Help me... Help me..... Take me.. please.